Monday, October 24, 2005

Distance Closed...

Last night Leóinte and I talked, finally, about what had happened the night before. We both feel much better about things and are still interested in continuing to play but agree that we need to take things much more slowly than we had.

I think part of what made me panic was that he introduced several new things at once and I wasn't sure what he would do next. We did not discuss any part of the session, so I had no idea what to expect. We agreed that he will give me some idea whether a session will be 'long and involved' or shortish. He will give me some time to get myself together, such as 'you have 30 minutes to be upstairs waiting for me...' Hopefully, this will help us avoid some of the problems that have come up in the last few sessions.

I'm so relieved to have talked about things. I feel like he is really interested in working on every part of our relationship, not just the sex or the affairs.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Distance...

I feel like I've made a huge mess of things.

When I started this journey, I was out to try some things I'd never tried before. When Leóinte and I decided to continue the experiments together, I thought this exactly what we both wanted. I was excited that he was interested and thought we'd found a new connection.

But last night was bad. He called it a disaster. He asked me to go upstairs and put on something sexy and wait for him on the bed. When he came up, he blindfolded me with a new blindfold. I was excited that he'd bought it for me and felt really special that he'd thought of it and found something he wanted to see me in. Then he tied my hands together with rope that he had asked me to buy a few days earlier. He tied my hands so that the insides of my wrists touched, then he tied my upper arms to my sides. I was worried about becoming claustrophobic, and felt the urge to cry for a moment, but after taking a few breathes, thought I would be ok.

Next he brought out a new flogger that I was not aware he had bought. We had one that one of us (probably me) had bought with a costume so long ago we'd forgotten about it until decorating for Halloween, so we knew we liked it. Again, I felt special that he had gone out and found something he thought we would enjoy together. He used that on my legs and backside, alternating between running it over my body and striking me with it. I discovered again that the flogger is probably my favorite spanking device.

Up until here I was fine. But the next step was inserting a butt plug and dildo. There was initially some pain, then I started to panic and had to ask him for a break. I curled up and started to cry. I cry so rarely that I was surprised by it and was not able to stop. He quickly removed the rope and blindfold and held me while I cried.

He feels terrible about making me cry. I feel terrible about crying. I don't really think it was his fault, it simply...was. But he has spent the day closed up and distant, unwilling to kiss me other than with a tight mouth. I know the panic and crying was due to the claustrophobia, and my guess is that I cry so seldom that there was a bit of a dam break. But it really seems to have caused serious damage.

I feel more distance from him today than I've felt in a long time...years, I think.

I think we both are wondering if this is an experiment we should continue or not. It isn't the first time things have not gone as we had hoped. I keep thinking it is just a matter of learning our boundaries, but I can tell he is not convinced. I think he also feels like there is some reason why I wanted this with other men but we don't seem to be able to make the connection we think we should make. I know he thinks it has something to do with him or my feelings towards him.

I'm just wondering if it is all some huge mistake. If continuing the experiment was a bad idea. Perhaps I should have just said that I discovered that none of this is what I want. I'm wondering if the reason I went outside the marriage for it, other than my mistaken belief that he wasn't interested, is that I'm not sure I want this kind of conflict in our marriage...if being tied up by my husband is maybe too much pressure on the rest of our relationship. I love the way he cherishes me; I love feeling him take care of me; I love the way he touches me tenderly even in passion. I love to hear his voice as he calls me pet names. I'm not sure being his slut and his sex slave are as much a part of us as I thought it could be.

This is not to say that I haven't enjoyed a lot of our experimentation. I truly have. But I don't know if our relationship can stand too many nights like last night. I'm wondering if I've done some kind of permanent damage to our marriage and if our attempts to reconcile and move on are really going to get us where we want to be. I am so afraid of his distance. I am so afraid of losing this precious gift that I have taken for granted.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Sexy is...

We are planning to take a trip to an outlet mall today. Leóinte has given me the task of creating a sexy fantasy about our trip and writing about it for him. But I'm really having trouble feeling sexy about this place. I love shopping with him and holding hands while we roam from store to store, but there just doesn't seem to be anything sexy about it.

Maybe I'll have to convince him to take me to a mall after we're done. We can wander around there, I can try on some sexy things for him, find little private areas and let him touch me, maybe reach under my skirt.

But I really think my problem today is that I'm having trouble feeling creative about being sexy. There are plenty of ways to be sexy without being brazen. I just don't seem to be able to find them right now. I don't think our society really knows what sexy is anymore. I looked up 'sexy' in Google images and got page after page of naked women. Sure, they're sexy (well, most of them) but sexy is so much more than 'skin'.

Do you have a good definition of sexy? I need a little help being creative lately. Suggestions and ideas are appreciated.

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Hammock

From Sept. 16, 2005

Last night after dinner with friends, hubby and I were getting ready to go up to bed. We started talking about how I was feeling and then started kissing and teasing each other. Before long, Leóinte was taking my hand to lead me upstairs.

I got an idea and changed the direction, taking us instead out on our side porch to the hammock. We've always talked about making love in the hammock but have never dared. Last night at around midnight we decided it was time.

It was very erotic...making love under a full moon with the possibility of people going by. I was on top and had a blanket to shield us, but it was still pretty obvious that we weren't just being lazy in our hammock...especially at midnight. It wasn't a night for fucking, but a night for making slow love. Very sweet and intimate. I do so enjoy that.

We've been having a much more varied sex life as of late, sometimes intimate and sensual and sometimes hard and fast. Sometimes he's completely in charge and sometimes I sneak up on him and start kissing and caressing his body, enjoying giving him some attention. It has really made a huge difference in both our sex and our intimacy in general. Which, I think, is the point of all this.

So I'm pretty happy about things right now. Happy indeed.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Good Morning Little Schoolgirl...

So I must tell you about last night and what it says about the physical aspect of our relationship. Many who are reading here are used to reading my wife's accounts of her sexual journey where the main topic has been her exploration of the bdsm lifestyle and the affairs that, in part, resulted from this. One of the reasons she sought the affairs had to do with her desire to investigate being the submissive in a sexual relationship. In our discussions when she brought this up she used generic terms that in my mind conjured up visions of latex suits, gags, whips, chains and a lot of fairly deviant behaviors. When she would mention, in passing in conjunction with a TV show, the lifestyle is always seemed to be in conjuction with a scene where the worst aspects of bdsm were portryed, i.e.-the degredation of a woman by a man or the objectification of a woman as a object that existed only for the man's pleasure or fantasy fulfillment. Probably this is because this is about all Hollywood understands the culture (i.e.-the practice at its extremes) but the use of such discussions starters where always a definite turn-off for me.

After the discovery of the affairs we discussed my wife's need for this sort of thing. In her journey "out there" she found that the more extreme parts of the lifestyle didn't appeal much to her but she did find that she enjoyed some parts of it. She was quite surprised that not only didn't I have a problem with those parts but that I had been wanting to bring them into our sex play for some time. So this is what has now happened and what it has allowed me and us to do is to engage our imaginations to enhance our sexual time together. We can now take the physical, intimate part of our relationship and, when we wish, include it in our need and desire for play. What follows is an account of by her husband of our evolving and growing physical relationship. I will warn you that it is long and somewhat graphic and that if you have neither the patience or the desire for these, you should skip past this remainder of this post.

Last night was a combination of role playing and light bondage/domination. I had been planning the evening for several days but could not come up with a theme. We had done some bondage play previously since the affair and I wanted this to be more than "tie her up" and have my way with her. As we spent some time watching TV prior to my planned evening I happened to see a girl in a short, plaid schoolgirl skirt and it all fit together. That morning I had left her instructions; she was to bring herself to climax three times during the day. During the day I had sent her a couple of naughty notes expaining that I would have her that evening without fail or excuse. Failure to do so would result in punishment. As our time together approached, she became more affectionate and even a bit passionate.

At the appointed time I sent her upstairs to prepare. She was to wear a schoolgirl skirt she had recently purchsed and white stockings without any underwear. When I came upstairs I found her waiting for me in the skirt and a tight white blouse that showed the outline of her breasts and the perfect firmness of her nipples while pretending to hide them. I am absolutely captivated by her nippples so the outfit was perfect. As I joined her in kneeling on the bed we kissed passionately and I tied her hands together in front of her. I had figured out how the evening was going to go. I was the professor and here was a student at my mercy who needed an "A".

After some passionate kissing and an exploration of her body with my hands I laid her back on the bed and tied her hands to the headboard. Then laying beside her I asked her to recount her times of self-pleasuring for the evening. As she "turned in her homework" I distracted us both by fingering her pussy and playing lightly with her nipples. Soon though I found them too enticing and moved my mouth to them as she told me of her day's excursions. As she finished I asked her what she would do to get an A now that her homework was done. When she replied, "anything, professor" I asked if she would come for me and she said "yes". I asked if she would let me fuck her over my desk. She said, "yes". I asked if she'd take my hard cock in her mouth. She said "yes".

I then told her it was time for her "exam". She would be scored on the number of orgasms she had but she had to tell me when she was having each one to receive credit and that there would be several parts. First was the dactyl stimulation portion of the exam. As a slid my finger over her clitoris I reminded her of the way the exam was scored. Still, when she came she forgot to tell me and I informed her that it wouldn't count for credit. She begged for me to accept late work and so I gave her half-credit. As I returned to my examination of the student I alternated between flicking my fingertip over her clit and slidding my middle finger into her and stimulating her G-spot and she came and came and came. Each time she had to hold back her climax to tell me she was going to come and each time I enjoyed watching the struggle in her face, hearing the desperation in her voice and feeling the final release. After she scored a full five points on that section of the exam it was time to move to part two.

This was the backside part of the exam and I rolled her over onto her stomach. As I caressed what must be one of the finest asses on the planet I began to spank her. She had been mouthy at the grocery store, I told her, and this was her punishment. In fact, her punishment would have been much more severe has she not done her homework but she had been a good girl so the belt was not necessary. I then took out an anal dildo we had purchased a few years back and proceeded to slowly insert it. At first it excited her but soon it became uncomfortable enough that she used our safe word and I stopped. Unfortunatley she had not come so she didn't get any points there. I switched to using my finger as it is smaller and I can control the placement and pressure much better and soon thereafter she was able to come though only once. As I looked at her redddened ass I decided it was time to fuck her for the first time and so we moved to do that but found it a little difficult to get everything positioned at the right height. Soon though I slid into her pussy and was filling her with short power strokes while I spanked her a bit more. I like to make love to my wife from behind because I can do so many things while we fuck and this night the extra spice was the sound of her cries mixed with the fat and sharp sound of my hand on her ass. Soon she was telling me that she was going to come again and she pushed herself back against me to heighten and prolong the release. I removed myself from her, that part of the exam finished.

I rolled her over for the oral portion of the exam and tied her legs to the footboard. In time my tongue found it's way to her clitoris and she began to writhe in pleasure. One after another I brought her to 4 orgasms and then slid a finger into her to combine what my tongue and teeth were doing with pressure from my finger on those sensitive places inside. I was rewarded by a powerful climax and her expressive cries soon after. As I pulled back and looked down at my wife I was so turned on. She was laying on the bed, tied to headboard and footboard, with her schoolgirl skirt up over her hips revealing her obviously excited flower of womanhood and the thin shirt just down over her hardened nipples. As I looked down at her thought to myself that this was so much better than all of the fantasies I had ever imagined growing up. With this though in mind I laid down upon her and began to make love to her. At first, I left her legs tied so that all she could do was receive what I gave her. I kept my strokes shallow but seemed to find a place that drove her crazy and she came twice in rapid succession. I then asked her if she wanted me to release her legs. I asked her to tell me why I should do that and what she would do if I did. She told me that she wanted me deeper and longer inside of her. That she would open her legs all the more and lift them up. Having given the correct answer I allowed her to proceed to the final section of the exam.

I untied her legs and slid back into her, as deeply as I could and was rewarded with a deep and heartfelt cry of pleasure and passion. We made love this way as she came once and then brought her legs up to my sides. At first she squeezed just a bit as she came and then started to pull her legs away. I told her that I liked the pressure because it was another way for her to communicate to me how she was feeling in our lovemaking and so she clamped her legs to me with real passion as I took her again to the place of release. I could tell that she hated having to wait to come until she told me but I loved hearing it every single time. I loved the urgency in her voice and she struggled to get the words out in time over the rising tide of her orgasm. Finally, as she built to another release I decided that it was time to let myself go. Spurred on by her cries and moans I could feel the tightening in my balls and the heat in skin. As I released my orgasm she crashed over the edge with me and we came together.

As we came down from our passion I was amazed at what our lovemaking had been. I was amzed at the power of our imaginations and what they gave us in our lovemaking. I'm pretty sure that we aren't into hardcore bdsm but rather it is a tool that we will use from time to time to spur our imaginations on; something to include in our play together.

By the way, for those of you wondering what her grade on the test was I would have to say a B+ with the only negative marks coming on the backside portion of the test. She's shown that she can do a good job of receiving and appreciating what she has received so now we'll move to the unit on giving and see how that goes. There will be homeowk, quizzes and and exam on that portion as well...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Happy Endings and New Beginnings

In my last post, I asked myself if I would be able to avoid the lure. Today I think the answer to that is yes.

Husband and I spent a very long time last night talking. Sharing how we're feeling about all this and talking about what we're interested in sexually. As it turns out, a long history of medical problems on my part have caused him to wait for me to be the aggressor. Of course, as we have seen, that's not my thing. I was waiting for him to be the aggressor. So nothing was aggressed.

But we talked about Bondage, about what D and I had experienced together, fantasies that we each have that we want to fulfill, fantasies that should, maybe, stay fantasies.

We each shared some websites that we've spent time searching: sex, bondage, porn. We discovered a great deal about each other. And, after 11 years of marriage, you'd think we'd have known these things. But we had a communication breakdown when it comes to sex. And when it comes to a few other things, too. Hopefully, that breakdown has been repaired.

After all that talk and the sharing of fantasies and porn sites, Husband interrupted what I was saying to pull down my shirt and taste my nipple. Wow. Very hot. He pulled me off the couch and basically pushed me up the stairs to our bedroom. He undressed me on the way up so that, by the time we got to the bed I was wearing only my shirt. He immediately blindfolded me and guided me onto my knees on the bed. He tied each arm to opposite sides of the canopy and took his time kissing and spanking and touching me. He pulled out toys we haven't used in ages. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

One thing we had talked about was how much he enjoys having me ride him and how that seems like a dominate position for me, so I'm not as happy with it. This time, with my arms tied so I could only lower myself to a point, he showed me how dominate he is, even if he IS on bottom.

We also discussed this blog, which we will read together this weekend. He isn't excited about me continuing to share our sexual exploits, though, so I'll be on hiatus for a while. But, if you're still interested in following along, I have another blog, a bit different from this one, to share the emotional journey as we heal from all of this. There is a link on it to his blog, sharing his healing adventure, as well. So, if you're interested, come on over to Nosce Te Ipsum.

I have appreciated all of the comments and communication from this site. I'd love to hear from you!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Untrustworthy

A new day and still no anger. Every moment we are apart I wonder if he will come back to me angry. I wonder if he will change his mind about staying with me. I wonder if he will decide that he can never place trust in me again.

And I feel so undeserving of him. I was not...am not...ready to give up my playtime. I will...obviously I am not able to keep a secret from him...but I did so enjoy being a slut.

Someone wrote me today and told me that my husband must feel lucky to find out what a slut I am. I was offended for about a nanosecond. Then I longed to hear it whispered into my ear as someone fucked me. I long to give myself to a man.

This feels like so much more than just a fantasy...I have no idea where it comes from, except to say that I must, by nature, be a whore. I want to be taken in a dark alley, gang banged in a bar, tied up and ravaged in a dungeon.

I wonder...as much as I resolve to behave, will I be able to avoid the lure?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Awake

Recently one morning I was awakened by my husband. Hard kisses, ravaging hands...I knew immediately that he had discovered my affairs.

After fucking me, he told me he knew. He wanted to know how many men there had been, how long it had been going on. Suprisingly, there was no anger. We discussed it, discussed my feelings that I could not talk to him about bdsm and felt drawn to it so strongly. There were other things discussed, but more on that later.

Apparently he's been suspecting since the beginning. He's not sure why, but I think I do. I think the smell of another man was noticed, subconciously, as well as some subtle change in my presentation. There was an evening while I was away for a conference when he surprised me with a visit...D had been by in the afternoon. I had not had a chance to shower but at least D had been gone for a while. But he mentioned today that he had noticed something different even then.

And, of course there have been several changes. But, again, more on those later.

We spent most of the day together, talking about various aspects of the affairs and what brought them on and where we go from here. We discussed how we both feel we have a good marriage and neither of us wants it to end. He told me about his suspicions and discoveries. He asked about sex with D, wanting to understand what it is that I was looking for.

The entire day was surreal. There was a moment of anger, but it passed quickly. We laughed, I cried, but mostly we talked. Certainly it was not what one would expect when caught committing adultery.

I'm sure the anger will come. I dread it. Tremendously. But it will be far less than I deserve, I'm sure.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Weekends Aren't Always Restful

What a nice weekend.

I met up with someone not too far from my area. We'll call him M for now, but he'll definitely need a decent pseudonym as I suspect he'll be showing up periodically, at least. M and I got together to, well, not just meet...we had spent long hours chatting and emailing and I was pretty comfortable with my safety, so I knew meeting wasn't all I wanted. I asked him to name the place and we met at a little restaraunt so I could follow him to a wooded area on a farm he knew of. The area was secluded, so we could enjoy ourselves in the shade and not worry about how loud I got.

He was pretty nervous. It was quite a switch from a few short months ago when it was I who was shaking with the nervousness of a first affair. Nervous or not, though, as he kissed me and reached below my skirt, finding me pantiless and wet seemed to calm him at least enough to bend me over the back of his truck.

We didn't have nearly enough time together, but I can tell already that we're going to get along quite well.

I had plans the next day to see if I could entice my husband into an outdoor rendevous. I knew he would be interested, I just didn't know if I could convince him to go through with it. So I suggested we go out for dinner and came out wearing every woman's secret weapon, the Little Black Dress. I made sure he noticed that there was nothing at all underneath it and then pushed him out the door.

At the restaraunt, a quiet little place we frequent, we sat in a booth that allowed plenty of friskiness below the table without us being caught. By the time dinner was eaten and the bill was paid, he had whet another appetite for both of us.

On the way home, he took me to a little spot he had found where we could park and wander into the woods. We found a secluded little area and worked out our desires. It was more fun than we've had in a long time.

Monday was full of lounging and touching and enjoying each other. A nice weekend. Definitely

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Heat in the South

The last few days have been interesting...full of contact from new people online. A couple of which I'd like to meet. I've been amazed at the compatibility I've found recently.

god, this is fun.

One of the men contacted me first with the idea of a public meeting...in which he fingers me in a parking lot in broad daylight. I got so horny that I almost offered to meet him right then! After exchanging a bit of email and pics, I definitely still want to meet.

But at the moment I'm working on meeting M. We were up late chatting, realizing how we want exactly the same things (from opposite sides, of course) and I woke up wet and aching to be fucked. I may get a chance to see him this weekend, if things work out right. He has requested a short skirt, no panties, no bra, in a public place. My knees are weak at the thought.